The Gitmo Grammies

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"For me, the lyrics are... freedom to express my insanity. If the Iraqis aren't used to freedom, then I'm glad to be part of their exposure."

So said American patriot James Hetfield, Metallica's frontman. At the time, his band's hit "Enter Sandman" was being used to soften suspected terrorists at Guantanamo. Defending its use in interrogations on the grounds of equal opportunity, the singer noted, "We've been punishing our parents, our wives, our loved ones with this music forever. Why should the Iraqis be any different?" Now, five years later, Hetfield seems to have changed his tune.

Recently he expressed sympathy for Eddie Vedder, Limp Bizkit, Meat Loaf, and his many other colleagues who support the Zero dB Initiative against "music torture." But not all metal artists have had second thoughts about expanding their audience to Middle Easterners. "I take it as an honor to think that perhaps our song could be used to quell another 9/11 attack," said Drowning Pool bassist Stevie Benton (above left). His band's hit was "Bodies," also a theme for wrestling's December to Dismember, as well as Rambo 2008.

"Let the bodies hit the FLOOR. Can't take much more!"

Though a durable people, Muslims seem unusually sensitive to stoning by infidel rock, particularly thrash metal.

"I can bear being beaten up, it's not a problem," Guantanamo prisoner Ruhal Ahmed recently said on release. But after being racked by Queen's "We Will Rock You" and Eminem's "Brain Damage," he confessed, "You feel like you're going mad. You lose the plot."

Tom Morello, of Rage Against the Machines, feels Ahmed's pain. "The fact that music I helped create was used in crimes against humanity sickens me," he declares. "It may be Dick Cheney's idea of America, but it's not mine."

The former Vice President was indeed a pioneer in the field of aural water-boarding. As Reagan's Secretary of State, Cheney flushed General Noriega from Panama's Vatican embassy with boomboxes blaring "No Place to Run," "You're No Good," and "Welcome to the Jungle" -- plus the Howard Stern Show. Though trained in Psyops, the drug kingpin (a Wagner lover) was soon brought to his knees and to justice. Two years later, the FBI serenaded David Koresh at his Mt. Carmel polygamy fortress with Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Were Made for Walkin'," Billy Ray Cyrus's "Achy Breaky Heart," Christmas carols, and screaming rabbits.

In response, the Branch Davidian messiah gave as good as he took. He blasted his own rock songs back until the feds cut his electricity and broke out the tear gas.

Today's tyrants, terrorists, and headcases have toughened up. Gone are the days when Motown, acid rock, and/or country western were sufficient to make them see reason. Now, according to Reprieve, the British watchdog group, stronger medicine is required: "F--k Your God" by Deicide, R.E.M.'s "Shiny Happy People," and Barney's "I Love You" theme are today's top attitude adjusters. Suzanne G. Cusick, music terror specialist at NYU, notes that it's not so much melody as volume and relentlessness that "breaks down subjectivity" and "simply prevents people from thinking."

Which brings us at last to the fundamental question: Is this torture?

Amnesty International says yes. The United States 361 Psychological Operations Company says no.

Donald Rumsfeld is with the 361st. Just before Bush's Secretary of Defense was driven from office in 2006, he approved the Pentagon's purchase of 50,000 copies of Paris Hilton's debut album to use on Anbar insurgents in Iraq. Israel too is a believer in the power of song. In 1998 its Supreme Court refused to outlaw it in interrogations.

In fact, the Hebrews were the first to weaponize music. The time: 1550 B.C. The venue: Jericho. Moses' general, Joshua, brought down the walls of the West Bank fortress after his seven priests blasted their ram's horn trumpets for six days straight. Then, on the seventh, his army of 603,550 added "the great shout." Jericho was like a Hebrew Woodstock, but bigger. Though bands were unplugged in those days, this trumpeting and thunderous chorus from a half-million strong would have drowned out Metallica at the Astrodome. The Zionist anthem not only crumbled the city walls but left the Palestinians inside -- like their unfortunate son, Ruhal Ahmed, the Gitmo POW -- wondering what in God's name was going down.

So, in the long and ornate history of torture, music is not a new recruit. The Taliban has banned all forms of it. But, acknowledging Joshua's command performance at the Jericho Philharmonic, they worship him as a prophet.

Finally, as we tire of casualties in the Holy Land, one wonders if there is not a simple, bloodless solution: evacuate our recruits, surrender their iPods to the villagers, and drive the Jihadists back into the mountains with drones broadcasting Dylan's new holiday album, Christmas in the Heart.